Once again we are getting ready to celebrate the world's most unifying holiday. A day in which we all dress up in funny hats and flashing buttons. A day where employment temporarily spikes for people under 3'2". A day we all chase the rainbow. No, it's not national Starburst Day and although we all drink a little too much and guys hug a lot, it's not gay pride week either. Time to put on your green leotards and grab your pipe 'cuz it's Saint Patrick's Day.
A day whose mascot is both lovable and creapy and whose side jobs range from protecting gold to fighting, from dunking basketballs to running away with hungry children's cereal in the morning. Yes the leprechaun. From the lush green meadows of Ireland to the icy tundra of Buffalo, New York. From the rain soaked Starbucks rooftops of Seattle to the kangaroo hopping, crocodile catching, not sure if the Geico lizzard is from here or England outback of Australia, we are ready to don our plastic green hats in celebration of our favorate stein raising holiday. The rules are in place. Everyone must wear green and everyone no matter what race, religion, ethnicity or status in life summons the traces of Irish in their dna. Simply follow your buddy with nature's full body tattoo, aka the freckles, and the firey red hair, and have him lead the way to the nearest corned beef and cabbage serving bar. Every place from Subway to Wendys goes Irish. I believe Burger King offers a corned beef and cabbage Whopper but I could be wrong. Either way there is a realistic possibility you may wake up next to the 'King' the next morning if your night goes right. After three bottles of Pepto-bismal to offset the gas from the Cornbeefinator, the evening starts with an invitation to the local 'Pub Crawl' where every bar serves green Pabst Blue Ribbon and like the name implies, you will end up crawling from bar to bar. This is most likely due to your body rejecting the enormous amounts of unregulated green dye more so than the alcohol itself. The pub is ablaze with blinking shamrocks pinned to shirts in an attempt to bait members of the opposite sex. Unless of course you mistook the rainbow thing, in which case, welcome. There are at least 3 guys in every establishment who are truly hard core Irish. They are easy to spot. Just look for the guys wearing a Larry Bird jersey, throwback Converse with a 33 on the side and the official 1987 Celtic shorts. You know the ones. The short, short ones. The shorts so short that if he sits down you may think someone spilled hairy pancake batter on the stool. Sorry about the visual. Green PBR does not get served to the true Irish. Guinness is a must. As well as wearing a black leather fedora. As for dancing, jigging is the only way to go on SPD. Leave your tootsie rollin' at the door. As the night goes on even the most well rehearsed Irish accent morphs into a bad pirate imitation. "Arr me matey, what's an Irishman to do to get his pint filled?" And don't be at all surprised what the fella who spouted those words looks like. For St. Patty's Day is for everyone. If you don't beleive me then just click the red link and watch: Leprechaun Sighting in Alabama So toot your 2000 year old leprechaun whistle and follow along. Whose Irish eyes are smilin'? Your's!
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