Monday, March 19, 2012

March Madness, what she's thinking when picking her bracket

Out of shape people and armchair coaches assemble. It's time once again to ride the backs of college kids from all over the country. Armed with a solid ten minutes of college bball knowledge amassed from last night's Sportscenter and the ability to cut and paste in a spreadsheet it is time to go to work on March Madness brackets.
There are a few things that are guaranteed, you will go into it 'knowing' you will finally win it all this year, your girlfriend will always pick the team with the cutest guys or the teams with the best names and your girlfriend will always go further than you  and may even win it all.

Sorry but it is true. If not then explain why Dick Vitale doesn't win it every year.  There is a strategy she uses that is pretty systematic and cannot be mimicked by a straight man. It starts off first and foremost by choosing the teams with the 'cutest' players. How does she even know who's on what team? Glad you asked. I don't know. But somehow girls know. I believe there is a great big brain somewhere high on a mountaintop that women all over the world share and tap into when they need this information. It probably starts with what famous person is dating who and his little brother, who's a 'hottie', plays for this college team and he's single right now and likes Twilight too. Or maybe it's encrypted in one of their magazines. Either way they know which 'hot' guy plays for what team. Then the school location comes into play. If you can't get a little of the 'good' sun, which I am told comes out around 11-2 pm, on a beach near the school, she is not picking that team. Unless the cutie clause is enacted, which trumps location. Next the school's name comes into play. If it's a catholic school, they aren't getting past round one. All hot girls hated catholic school no matter what your fantasies entail. Last but not least the schools team name or mascot decides the winners. Huskies and cuddly bears are always a good bet, but big buff dudes in metal skirts and leather straps, aka Spartans, always rank high on her brackets. The algorithm is pretty complicated, else I would have won all of my MM pools trying to mimic it. No girl likes tar on her heals, but heels are in this season and she thinks one of the players is a 'hottie'. So you can bet UNC shares a top spot on her bracket.  You may have even watched all the games in February and your college hoops knowledge may be enormous, but when Duke goes down in the first round to a 15 seed and she's the only one in your group that called it, you should have known, blue devils are just creapy smurfs trying to look tough. And by the way, don't go mentioning triple doubles in your reasoning with her why you picked your team to win, because the only thing that's going through her head at that time is those cute guys on the team you hate and that's the last thing you want her thinking double and triples about.


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