Oh Where Oh 'Wear' have the Wardrobe Malfunctions Gone?

Just when I have my doubts about His existence, God proves to me that I have nothing to worry about in the afterworld. This time it came in the form of Madonna saying "I promise that there will be no wardrobe malfunction." Thank you again God. I will be sure to leave something extra in the collection plate this Sunday. But more on that later. We all have noticed that, besides a few instances (Black Eyed Peas, Justin Timberlake, etc), the Big Game's (which I have cleverly renamed since noone knows the rules of using the actual name in public) halftime show is always 25 to 30 years behind what's happening in entertainment today. Though the acts are pretty big with The Rolling Stones, Springsteen, etc.. whom I do love dearly and with such passion I may need to put a restraining order on myself, they are not quite what's driving the music and video charts today. When The Who played a few years ago it seemed like an Abbott and Costello skit. "Wow son, The Who's playing the Buper Sowl." "Who's playing dad?" "Yes" "Yes who?"...... "third base!" You get it. The younger generation and prime audience for the sponsors have no clue, except for their parent's vinyl records and cassette tapes, who these people are. Again, I do know, and am on the verge of having that secret creapy shrine room with their posters, pictures and candles, but the others in my generation and younger don't. So back to Madonna. Sorry but nobody south of 65 years old is looking forward to a wardrobe malfunction from her weird musclie body. Twenty five years ago most definatly yes, but now not so much. We all remember the original wardrobe malfunction incident. Why oh why did you not run with that, professional football guys? Let me explain something to you. The cable, satellite folks and even our old friend 'tevo' have been riding the wave ever since. Did you notice the price of cable and satellite these days? It's like 2000 times higher than it was back then. And people will not get rid of it! That is because there were enough lucky guys in the world to have had a dvr at the time. You know the one because it is still in your living room. With Duper Mole XXXVIII still saved and requiring a 'forgotten' password to remove. Noone is turning in that dvr no matter the rates. So please Pooper Roll halftime show planners, book Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna or even Cee Lo Green and his way too short arms for that matter, because like it or not, male or female, we want that malfunction. Else we will just tune to the 'Puppy Bowl'. Shit...can I say that? I meant Guppie Knowle.

The legend of 2shot McGraw

Now for something way out of left field. Remember, the title of this page is "Random Thoughts..." Now where to start? How about with the article from the newspaper. 'The Country music world was rocked today with the news that country music legend and notorious bad boy, 2shot Mcgraw, was found dead this morning in his buckshot rittled Chevy pickup truck. Police suspect the heavily publicized, so called, "East coast/midWest rivalry to have been the cause of the demise for one of country music's fastest rising stars. A similar rivalry played out in the 90's hip hop scene between two mega star rappers leaving both of them dead. 2shot, not to be outdone by what he termed "Them sissy talk singers who can't play an instrument", immediately took the reigns of music's violence scene. Always armed with a double barrel shotgun and an attitude to match, the country gangsta spewed violent lyrics, lived a life of womanizing and held a grudge against all of Nashville's finest. Even taking it as far as rewriting other popular country stars biggest hits in what would be  deemed country music's first 'diss' songs. "Here's bus fare now go home and stand by your man" and "Your cheatin' heart ain't cheatin' if you don't get caught" even making the charts. Legend has it that 2shot's scorn for other country music artist started when a song penned by him, "Hole in my Wranglers", was performed for the first time live by one of his long time friends in the industry, Garth Brooks, at the CMA's without his permission or knowledge. "We saw for the first time a very big change in him that day", commented an old friend, Travis Tritt. "His eyes, his eyes just went blank. Like there was nothin behind 'em anymore. It's like that betrayal of trust took his heart out." The tensions heated up recently with the release of the latest 2shot record, yes record (2shot now refused to release cds and mp3s because of "then damn pirates"), "Polishin' my nine inch barrel". On it, 2shot teams up with West Coast rapper, Snoop Doggy Dogg, for the song "Your one gallon short of a ten gallon hat". A song taking aim directly at Brooks. Later Snoop recalls, "That was one homeboy you wouldn't wanna mess with. His combination of cussin and sweet revival melodies made me want to both cover my ears and weep with joy at the same time. You know what I'm sayin' ?" We do Mr. Dogg, all too well. And now the world will have to live without one of the greatest pioneers of the fusion of Country, Western and Gangsta hip hop.  A full investigation is set to take place with the main suspect being Brooks. When questioned this afternoon by the press, Brooks released this statement, "I would never do anything to hurt my old friend. Though there was tension between us when he also blamed me for stealing my hit, "Ten Gallons of Loving in my hat and one in my pants", I loved 2shot and was trying to get him the help he needed. If I were the police I'd be questioning Chris Gaines. Now that guy is one flat tire short of a mobile home." One of the clues on the scene was a freshly placed 'Ford' bumper sticker. "Now everyone knows that F.O.R.D. stands for 'found on road dead", stated a local deputy. "That sounds like some sort of calling card to me."'

How to manipulate the Soundtrack to your life

We all have watched movies who's soundtrack is customized to the individual scenes. For instance, "Time of My Life" plays as we watch Baby and Johnny's dance finale in the 80's masterpiece Dirty Dancing. Through this we have the feeling injected, directly into our souls that.....well..... they are having the 'time of their lives'. You may, depending on where you are, start dancing around the room using your bichon frise (a little white dog pronounced ˈbiʃɒn ˈfriz not bitchen fries, although both sound french) as a fill in for Baby. The scene just wouldn't work if the Allman Brothers "Tied to the Whipping Post" was playing while they pulled off the epic 'Lift' that gave us all goosebumps of excitement and had us high fiving everyone in the movie theater while yelling "I knew it!! I knew she could do it!! Baby!! Whoo who". Well over my lifetime I have compiled a music library that rivals even the 32 gigabyte ipods. Every moment of my life has it's own song playing in the background and therefore I can judge exactly how the moment is playing out for me and change the moment into amazing at will. You also have a personal soundtrack, even if you can't hear it.  It is a soundtrack that goes with your lifestyle. If you live and love Country music, your soundtrack will mimic that. Same for Rap, Rock and Indie. Once you gain understanding of this you too can manipulate your situations to your benefit ala the matrix, the force, inception, etc.. Now listen close, with that tilted gaze and eyes pointed upward. (Your coworkers may think you're nuts right now but that's ok, there's a song for that.) Do you hear it? Probably not, but that's only because you lack practice. But if you do, what song is it? If it's an AC/DC song then your probably reading this while doing something crazy like driving up a narrow mountain road at a high rate of speed next to a cliff. If the song in the air is Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Free Bird", carefully step back off the railing and go back into the window. You most likely have been doing cocaine all night and have wandered out there in a rash decision to toy with fate.  If it's a Lionel Richie song you may be blind and sculpting a creapy clay head of the man you are dreaming about.  If you are having trouble making out the song try this: Look around at where you are, who's with you, what your wearing and how you are acting. Try to relate a movie to what is going on. For example, if your reading this while flying a jet fighter plane doing unnecessary tricks not caring that your sargeant is screaming in your headset, then you would relate this to "Top Gun" and the most likely song playing would be "Danger Zone." If your in an elevator, for which there are unlimited  movie scenes burned into your subconscious, it's safe to say that there is a slow relaxing song being played at least until the doors open. Once you have mastered the simple notion that your soundtrack describes the moment you're in, you can then move on to more advanced tricks. Try this: Next time you walk by someone much bigger than you, pick a fight with him verbally. Once he has had enough of it and starts to pumble you to the ground, close your eyes and get "Eye of the Tiger" on the mental mp3 player. As he watches you slowly regain your footing and sees the 'Tiger' in your eyes, he will realize it's over for him and allow you to throw tens if not hundreds of unanswered punches and will eventually collapse to the ground in slow motion. You can then take him out for a beer and explain you meant him no harm and were just practicing. He'll understand and you both will share a nice rendition of "Staying Alive" as you and your new buddy continue the friendly competition with a 'Dance Off'.  Unfortunately, some of us have become so one dimensional that a single song continually plays when you have entered the room. As it may work for those who would like to impose fear onto everyone around them relentlessly and without end, like the well known "Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da" that plays every single time Darth Vader is around, including his bath time which simply must drive him absolutely nuts, most will get sick of it.  I mean come on now, date night must just suck. "Darth honey, can you think lighter thoughts? I'm trying to enjoy our appetizers and the violins are getting drowned out by that darn Da Da Da sound." "Sorry sweetie, I've been typecast with it." It's best to mix it up a bit and keep things fresh. Make the moments vary. If you go to the same boring work meeting every week, put on some 'Hungry Eyes' and stare at the new employee while maneuvering your eyebrows seductively.  At the very least the next seven hours of work won't end up being "9-5" anymore. So remember, if your ever listening and 'Shadow Dancing' is playing, you must be having a pretty freakin awesome time.