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Much love to my readers in China, Russia, Australia, Macedonia, Mexico, Portugal, Romania, Spain, United Kingdom, India, Germany, France, Canada and the US too. I appreciate your support.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I love you too! Feel free to follow me.
So it is now the day after the Mega Millions drawing and you once again did not win. An 89 year old woman and a hick from the outback of Utah split the $600 million jackpot. What do you do next? You were so convinced you would win that you told your boss where he could 'shove it'. You told your fellow employees about your plans to do burnouts in the parking lot with the new Ferrari you were going to buy and actually put a $7500 deposit on, from your kids college fund, while their "sorry asses" were stuck working the rest if their lives. You forced your significant other into signing a postnup so they couldn't get half in case of divorce, since being monogamous was no longer an option with that type of money. But today you sit amongst a stack of 245 losing tickets and 2 that actually paid out $3. Your dog doesn't even have respect for you anymore. Your neighbors a pissed at you for actually pissing "eat me" on their driveway and writing "nice car loser" on the dirty door of their 2009 Camry. Well here are my tips to sliding back into your old life once again. Start with texting your boss "You've been punked. We got you good. Bernie put me up to it. You should have seen the look on your face." That way Bernie takes some of the heat and you get your job back. Next, send a mass email to your fellow employees stating that you haven't checked your numbers yet and you are really planning to supply them with new cars when you win. The postnup is a little trickier since you already made advances on their best friend with your tongue involved. An accidental prescription medicine mix up excuse may do the trick. "Honey, I've been secretly going to the doctor to find ways to make myself a better sexual partner for you. I realize the embarrassment I had to go through as the nurses and doctors laughed at me behind my back, but you were worth it. I think they messed up my prescription or something because I can't remember the last week or two. So from now on I'm no longer taking those pills. How was your day?" The dog will fall into line with some treats and hey, who cares about the neighbors? They didn't like you anyway.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Out of shape people and armchair coaches assemble. It's time once again to ride the backs of college kids from all over the country. Armed with a solid ten minutes of college bball knowledge amassed from last night's Sportscenter and the ability to cut and paste in a spreadsheet it is time to go to work on March Madness brackets.
There are a few things that are guaranteed, you will go into it 'knowing' you will finally win it all this year, your girlfriend will always pick the team with the cutest guys or the teams with the best names and your girlfriend will always go further than you and may even win it all.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Leprechaun Sighting in Alabama So toot your 2000 year old leprechaun whistle and follow along. Whose Irish eyes are smilin'? Your's!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Anyone born on Leap Day realizes that it may quite possibly be the biggest 'screw you' life has ever offered you. Let's take a closer look. Being born on Leap Day is the equivalent to Farrah Faucet dying on the same day as Michael Jackson. "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the breaking news out of Hollywood that beloved Angel, Farrah Fau...wait....we interrupt this interruption to bring you bigger breaking news that the King of Pop...." you know the rest. Think about it, an actual birthday every four years. Though you could celebrate a day early or the day after, who are you kidding? The day to celebrate your admittance to the planet comes around only on presidential election years. Though, it does allow the possibility of prolonging your youth, what's weirder than attending your grandmother's sweet 16 party? Christmas birthdays suck too, but at least you get to double up on the presents. But let's not just dwell on the negatives, my 6 leap year old friend. There are a few joys besides the tons of loot your parents saved on birthday cakes and party invitations. I am actually thinking of starting a petition to keep February 29 indefinitely on the calender. Leap Day, is national anti-bully day. This is a day I fully support. It currently allows a reprieve from bullying a total of one day over the span of a full four year high school career. That leaves kids at the mercy of ruthless bullies for 99.9% of their victimized prime. Another positive is Disney World staying open 24 hours on Leap Day and the fun tradition of women proposing to men on this date. So as I rally my loyal followers to push to have February 29 on the calender every year, keep in mind, not to offset nature and the space time continuum, we need to make it up somewhere. So I propose we drop January 2nd. If you've had a good enough New Years eve party you will still be too hung over to notice.