Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Day After......the Mega Millions

So it is now the day after the Mega Millions drawing and you once again did not win. An 89 year old woman and a hick from the outback of Utah split the $600 million jackpot. What do you do next? You were so convinced you would win that you told your boss where he could 'shove it'. You told your fellow employees about your plans to do burnouts in the parking lot with the new Ferrari you were going to buy and actually put a $7500 deposit on, from your kids college fund, while their "sorry asses" were stuck working the rest if their lives. You forced your significant other into signing a postnup so they couldn't get half in case of divorce, since being monogamous was no longer an option with that type of money.  But today you sit amongst a stack of 245 losing tickets and 2 that actually paid out $3. Your dog doesn't even have respect for you anymore. Your neighbors a pissed at you for actually pissing "eat me" on their driveway and writing "nice car loser" on the dirty door of their 2009 Camry. Well here are my tips to sliding back into your old life once again. Start with texting your boss "You've been punked. We got you good. Bernie put me up to it. You should have seen the look on your face." That way Bernie takes some of the heat and you get your job back. Next, send a mass email to your fellow employees stating that you haven't checked your numbers yet and you are really planning to supply them with new cars when you win. The postnup is a little trickier since you already made advances on their best friend with your tongue involved. An accidental prescription medicine mix up excuse may do the trick. "Honey, I've been secretly going to the doctor to find ways to make myself a better sexual partner for you. I realize the embarrassment I had to go through as the nurses and doctors laughed at me behind my back, but you were worth it. I think they messed up my prescription or something because I can't remember the last week or two. So from now on I'm no longer taking those pills. How was your day?" The dog will fall into line with some treats and hey, who cares about the neighbors? They didn't like you anyway.


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