Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Happy Leap Day

Anyone born on Leap Day realizes that it may quite possibly be the biggest 'screw you' life has ever offered you. Let's take a closer look. Being born on Leap Day is the equivalent to Farrah Faucet dying on the same day as Michael Jackson. "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the breaking news out of Hollywood that beloved Angel, Farrah Fau...wait....we interrupt this interruption to bring you bigger breaking news that the King of Pop...." you know the rest. Think about it, an actual birthday every four years. Though you could celebrate a day early or the day after, who are you kidding? The day to celebrate your admittance to the planet comes around only on presidential election years. Though, it does allow the possibility of prolonging your youth, what's weirder than attending your grandmother's sweet 16 party? Christmas birthdays suck too, but at least you get to double up on the presents. But let's not just dwell on the negatives, my 6 leap year old friend. There are a few joys besides the tons of loot your parents saved on birthday cakes and party invitations.  I am actually thinking of starting a petition to keep February 29 indefinitely on the calender. Leap Day, is national anti-bully day. This is a day I fully support. It currently allows a reprieve from bullying a total of one day over the span of a full four year high school career. That leaves kids at the mercy of ruthless bullies for 99.9% of their victimized prime. Another positive is Disney World staying open 24 hours on Leap Day and the fun tradition of women proposing to men on this date. So as I rally my loyal followers to push to have February 29 on the calender every year, keep in mind, not to offset nature and the space time continuum, we need to make it up somewhere. So I propose we drop January 2nd. If you've had a good enough New Years eve party you will still be too hung over to notice.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dr. Seuss does Angelina Jolie's Leg

As I lay half asleep in my fluffalla bed, visions of Angelina Jolie's leg are stuck in my head. It is so lovely and so full of life, but I do hope they soon stop with that photoshop knife. For her children need it to climb on, Brad needs it in bed. Just this morning I saw it, photoshopped with a head. I tried to plant more with a toe as the seed, but they keep getting stolen by that nasty old Sneed. He takes them and hides them in his late nighttime raid, I think I see one of them beneath a lamp shade. He hid one next to the wozzet who lives in my closet and under the ghair as a leg to his chair. There are four holding up the table and one next to the Oscar on the couch, I would move it myself if he wasn't such a grouch. Angie's leg has made it to the moon and multiplied on her hips, this trend has become even bigger than the size if her lips. So as I lay here in bed next to my favorite pet willow, I cover my eyes with my big fluffy pillow. I hope when I wake they will have all gone back to where they belong, on Ms. Jolie's right side helping hold up her thong.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

..and the rockets green glare???

I recently got into a discussion with an office colleague about the disposal of spent nuclear rods via a rocket shot into space. The spirited debate, as to what to do with our leftover nuclear waste, continued for a while and increased in audience. The overwhelming reasoning for not packing a missle with our old, really hot, radiation oozing rods (and used tires) and launching it to destination 'way the hell out of sight' was......., yep you guessed it, .....intergalactic warfare.  Not the possibility of taking out the moon by accident or our satellite tv channels for that matter, but E.T. and ALF pissed to the gills and packing heat.  In distant second was the possibility that the rocket would explode and shower the earth in radiation, pretty much guaranteeing our next generation a second set of opposable thumbs and glowing smiles, actual glowing smiles. Though curtain number two seems the most realistic to me, I want to focus on the inevitable retaliation from the aliens lying in wait for us to use outer space as a never ending diaper genie. The ones believed to be ok with whatever we are doing on earth as long as we're not sending a Waste Management spacecraft packed with the main ingredient of Twinkies their way. I know you're thinking it. Why should we be galactic litter bugs? Isn't it bad enough that we clutter the earth like we do? You do know space is endless right? Hey, I feel the same way, but the fact that we have a very nasty radioactive issue on our hands that will not just go away for another 300 years in factories built to last 75 and most people will vote to let it fester on the planet, that until today I was 100% convinced contained intelligent life forms, because of the possibility that somewhere in the big universe there may be life and the rocket shot into space may eventually hit that planet and the life forms will take it offensively and they can trace it back to the right planet and they have the technology to come all this way back with a bunch of weapons and our own weapons would be useless against them? That's a whole lot of 'ands'. Yet that is numero uno on the list if 'why nots'. Well, I've got an answer for that one. Just as Mark Wahlberg was to the ape takeover in the SOP post, Will Smith is to this little dilemma. Noone in the universe is better equipped for alien retaliation than this guy. So I am confidant that, in the million years it would take for the space garbage truck  packed with uranium to collide with another planet full of 'Go ahead, make my day' minded space cowboys, even if they use a time machine to come back to whip our asses real time, we've got it covered. Which is kind of ironic seeing our most realistic form of time travel to date would require a nuclear reaction to accomplish. 1.21 gigawatts to be precise. One thing we may be overlooking is the possibility that alien lifeforms may need radiation in their diets to sustain a healthy lifestyle. We may actually be helping them out and as they lie in wait planning the 'We are coming to take your uranium at any cost necessary' mission, this might make them reconsider. So fling it out there world. What's the worst that can happen? We know what the worst that can happen here on earth is. If you don't beleive me, ask Bigfoot. But hey, maybe having two tails is an advantage for a dog. - And speaking of aliens, why not click the alien below and give me some props?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Ode to the guy with the flame shirt

You my friend are awesome. While most of us are wearing plain boring long sleeve dress shirts and letting life push us around, you don't just roll up your sleeves, you simply won't allow a sleeve to ever touch your forearm. And to show life that you mean business, you set them elbow length sleeves ablaze. Hell, even the tails of your shirt are on fire, making it the hottest fashion statement at church, a funeral, Applebees and even a rock concert. Now this is only one of the ways you display your extra Y chromosome. I am envious about the way every single bleached blonde or dyed jet black hair on your head is spiked. Even the little teenie tiny neck hairs. You're way too much man to actually style your hair like a little wussy. You simply look into the mirror and "SHAAAAMMMMM WOW!", every hair stands to attention. And speaking of attention, while most of the world is paying way too much attention to the lesser metals on this earth such as platinum and gold, you have a taste for the world's most precious. Yes, 24 karat stainless steel. From your necklace to your bracelets and all the way down to your nipple rings, you prove to the world that stainless is not just for utensils anymore. As you and your awesomeness take to the streets, it is you who finally and literally have the 'balls' to show who's really in charge on the roads. Even going as far as taking the alpha role as leader of the pack with your shiny chrome testicles swinging proudly from the trailer hitch of your Ford F350. Just when crossovers, hybrids and midsized suvs began running freely on our highways and dirt roads, you come along, riding mere inches from their bumpers, your back sliding window displaying an eagle and the American flag, your rearview mirror suspending a dream catcher. A dream catcher full of hopes of finally hand crafting your very own chopper....made of bone. Even my Jeep knows it's place thanks to you. You are a pure American. When duty called you were ready. Though you are not a marine, you proudly serve your country as a member of the Army. The Kiss Army that is, since 1982. I know this because, as I wait behind you in line at Arbys, your membership card dropped from the non-folding wallet you have chained to your hip (a wallet that screams "just try and pick me you punk") while you were reaching in it for that buy one get one free coupon. And no, there is nothing wrong with saving a buck when you take the entire family out to celebrate your first wedding anniversary. Stainless steel doesn't grow on trees you know. So keep on pumping iron and may the flames on your shirt burn eternally, for you are the last of a dying breed. I take my hat off to you. Partly because it says Chevy on it and you have that bumper sticker with Calvin peeing on a Chevy and I don't want to tempt you in any way, but mostly because you are awesome. - btw please upclick the little alien below, stumble or any of the other ways buttons below to help me share my stuff, because momma always said it's polite to share. Your the best.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Todays Thought (they quote I respond)

When I do good, I feel goodWhen I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion. - Abraham Lincoln
...and with that, Abe's  hopes and dreams of making the cover of the dime were dashed - jts

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Quick Thought: Generation Soft

As I watch the television set and see real life struggles play out in from of my eyes, I cry out, "Why oh why God do you allow such tribulations to overcome our younger generation? They are just kids. Have mercy on them please oh Lord."  I can't beleive my eyes. They are passing out. There are ambulances being called. Fighting, loneliness, sickness, crying and exhaustion. It's like the news today has no barriers. They will take their cameras into the sickest and most controversial places to show us the other side of life. Far from our comfy couches and animal print snuggies. The places where the anguished youth is pushed beyond it's.....wait...hold on a second..nevermind this isn't the news. I accidentally turned on American Idol. Sorry about that. It seems they have to join a group and memorize twenty seconds of a song. Poor kids.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Multitasking (aka doing alot of things half ass all at once)

It has been drilled into all of us that multitasking is an effective and efficient means to get alot accomplished in a short amount of time. "Hi I'm Bob, I can multitask." "OK Bob, your hired. We need more people like you." What our pal Bob really means is "Hi I'm Bob, If you just let me hammer out projects one at a time, they would be done efficiently, effectively and without error. But, if I told you that, you would have that confused look on your face like grandma has when you try to explain to her that Facebook is not an actual book and you would not hire me." It may at first be hard for you to grasp even the slightest ideas that multitasking is counter productive. But that is to be expected since that's how we're programmed early on. So as always I am delving deep into the unknown for my faithful readers to find the origin and truth to lifes greatest mysteries.  As I bring you along on this journey, lets take the girl driving next to you this morning for example. She was driving, drinking a coffee, fixing her hair, applying lipstick and holding a conversation on her cell phone so animated and dramatic that it may have just netted her 2 Oscar nominations. Now if you are the girl I am talking about, thank you for also flipping the guy off in front of you whose not late for work (thats a plug to an earlier blog). Do you think her multitasking was effective and efficient? Two red light violations, lipstick on her tooth, some coffee spilled on her pencil skirt and a topsie tail malfunction. She did make it to work with the tasks sort of complete, but now you have to try to keep your eyes off her red tooth for 2 hours in that 'meeting just to have a meeting' meeting. (More on that in the near future) How the heck is it possible to keep your eyes off that bright-ass red tooth? Enter the inadvertent cleavage stare. (I am giving away way to much of my future topics here. But thats because I love you all). Next, lets think about the average office job worker. First of all it's your fault. You said "I am great at multitasking" in your interview, so as a gang member would say, "Blood in, blood out." It's too late for you now. Note how most office workers usually stumble on their words when someone asks them what they do for a living, often wondering what the hell the title of the job was in the paper when they applied. The most common answer is manager of something or other. This term encompasses doing a bunch of shit while juggling a bunch of other shit while answering emails immediately.  The title should actually be Shit Juggler or Poopyhands. Technology, the leading source if multitasking, does the opposite of what it was intended to do. Your life is now harder because of it. You see, just this morning my 'smartphone' said to me "Hey dummy, you have 22 apps that need updating. So for 45 minutes I watch it struggle to update all of them at once. The end result? I'm still rockin 'Mildly Upset Birds'.  Yes it's been so long since I have had my apps updated because of my phone's 'ability to multitask'  that I still have to spend the first 20 minutes of the game getting the damn birds pissed off enough to want to be slung across the air at the big green pig. Remember pre-internet? We used to only have to use the info we got from a 1976 volume of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Now we need to spend 96 straight hours researching every possible article ever written for any if our school or work reports. And where the telephone limited your communication throughout the day, email gives an unlimited number of people the ability to cc you on every single message they send, multiplied by 20 with all the 'ok' and 'thank you' follow up messages. You may even find yourself in a vicious game of email Tetris.  All those emails falling from the top of the screen needing to be read, sorted, replied to, rotated and stacked in different folder positions.  It's not that bad if you can find a way of tracking your high score. Now, since I am not one dimensional and value the luxury of keeping my job, I did look into the advantages if multitasking...sweetie, the tv isn't a chalkboard..and found that doing many....hey that green paper you just flushed down the potty was the rent money...things at once can help us to accomplish all the tasks...why is the dog blue honey?.....that need to be done in any given day without having's ok baby we just need an ice pack...put it off until tomorrow. So to sum things, multitasking does come in handy when you need to accomplish many things at once. Thanks to my ability to multitask I was able to flawlessly..not now sweetie..write this post while watching the kids. Now please excuse me while I wash my hands. - if you liked what you read please click the little alien below to share this post with the world. It's free I promise :)

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Oh Where Oh 'Wear' have the Wardrobe Malfunctions Gone?

Just when I have my doubts about His existence, God proves to me that I have nothing to worry about in the afterworld. This time it came in the form of Madonna saying "I promise that there will be no wardrobe malfunction." Thank you again God. I will be sure to leave something extra in the collection plate this Sunday. But more on that later. We all have noticed that, besides a few instances (Black Eyed Peas, Justin Timberlake, etc), the Big Game's (which I have cleverly renamed since noone knows the rules of using the actual name in public) halftime show is always 25 to 30 years behind what's happening in entertainment today. Though the acts are pretty big with The Rolling Stones, Springsteen, etc.. whom I do love dearly and with such passion I may need to put a restraining order on myself, they are not quite what's driving the music and video charts today. When The Who played a few years ago it seemed like an Abbott and Costello skit. "Wow son, The Who's playing the Buper Sowl." "Who's playing dad?" "Yes" "Yes who?"...... "third base!" You get it. The younger generation and prime audience for the sponsors have no clue, except for their parent's vinyl records and cassette tapes, who these people are. Again, I do know, and am on the verge of having that secret creapy shrine room with their posters, pictures and candles, but the others in my generation and younger don't. So back to Madonna. Sorry but nobody south of 65 years old is looking forward to a wardrobe malfunction from her weird musclie body. Twenty five years ago most definatly yes, but now not so much. We all remember the original wardrobe malfunction incident. Why oh why did you not run with that, professional football guys? Let me explain something to you. The cable, satellite folks and even our old friend 'tevo' have been riding the wave ever since. Did you notice the price of cable and satellite these days? It's like 2000 times higher than it was back then. And people will not get rid of it! That is because there were enough lucky guys in the world to have had a dvr at the time. You know the one because it is still in your living room. With Duper Mole XXXVIII still saved and requiring a 'forgotten' password to remove. Noone is turning in that dvr no matter the rates. So please Pooper Roll halftime show planners, book Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna or even Cee Lo Green and his way too short arms for that matter, because like it or not, male or female, we want that malfunction. Else we will just tune to the 'Puppy Bowl'. Shit...can I say that? I meant Guppie Knowle.