Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Ode to the guy with the flame shirt

You my friend are awesome. While most of us are wearing plain boring long sleeve dress shirts and letting life push us around, you don't just roll up your sleeves, you simply won't allow a sleeve to ever touch your forearm. And to show life that you mean business, you set them elbow length sleeves ablaze. Hell, even the tails of your shirt are on fire, making it the hottest fashion statement at church, a funeral, Applebees and even a rock concert. Now this is only one of the ways you display your extra Y chromosome. I am envious about the way every single bleached blonde or dyed jet black hair on your head is spiked. Even the little teenie tiny neck hairs. You're way too much man to actually style your hair like a little wussy. You simply look into the mirror and "SHAAAAMMMMM WOW!", every hair stands to attention. And speaking of attention, while most of the world is paying way too much attention to the lesser metals on this earth such as platinum and gold, you have a taste for the world's most precious. Yes, 24 karat stainless steel. From your necklace to your bracelets and all the way down to your nipple rings, you prove to the world that stainless is not just for utensils anymore. As you and your awesomeness take to the streets, it is you who finally and literally have the 'balls' to show who's really in charge on the roads. Even going as far as taking the alpha role as leader of the pack with your shiny chrome testicles swinging proudly from the trailer hitch of your Ford F350. Just when crossovers, hybrids and midsized suvs began running freely on our highways and dirt roads, you come along, riding mere inches from their bumpers, your back sliding window displaying an eagle and the American flag, your rearview mirror suspending a dream catcher. A dream catcher full of hopes of finally hand crafting your very own chopper....made of bone. Even my Jeep knows it's place thanks to you. You are a pure American. When duty called you were ready. Though you are not a marine, you proudly serve your country as a member of the Army. The Kiss Army that is, since 1982. I know this because, as I wait behind you in line at Arbys, your membership card dropped from the non-folding wallet you have chained to your hip (a wallet that screams "just try and pick me you punk") while you were reaching in it for that buy one get one free coupon. And no, there is nothing wrong with saving a buck when you take the entire family out to celebrate your first wedding anniversary. Stainless steel doesn't grow on trees you know. So keep on pumping iron and may the flames on your shirt burn eternally, for you are the last of a dying breed. I take my hat off to you. Partly because it says Chevy on it and you have that bumper sticker with Calvin peeing on a Chevy and I don't want to tempt you in any way, but mostly because you are awesome. - btw please upclick the little alien below, stumble or any of the other ways buttons below to help me share my stuff, because momma always said it's polite to share. Your the best.


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