Sunday, January 22, 2012

2012 The end of the world or one giant letdown?

By now just about all of us have heard that, according to the Mayan calander, December 21, 2012 spells Doomsday for the world as we know it. That is unless you were living under a rock, which ironically enough would keep you much safer than those of us who haven't used the heads-up to prepare ourselves with our own state of the art underground bunker accommodations. If the rock dweller describes you, just stop reading this and stay where you are. This way you can avoid the whole nonsense of having to panic. I mean why do all the Christmas shopping for three straight months when all you need to do is believe in Santa? Anyway, it's now 2012 and the start of the year that may end us. While most common folk, who can be grouped into the 'Last Minuters' category, are just waiting to see how things play out before rushing the supermarket for 200 cases of bottled water and poking people in the eyes to get the last can of Beef-o-roni, like it was a Cabbage Patch kid in the 80's, the 'Prepared World Endies', who have wisely taken the warnings provided through the prophetic teachings of Woody Harrelson via the ambiguously titled movie 2012 to heart, are well....preparing. (Yes, you may have just read the largest nested sentence in history). The ones who plan ahead have meticulously organized their underground fortresses complete with shelves full of water, popcorn (which has multiple future uses such as pillow stuffing and artificial snow), canned everything, posters of the soon to be old world (complete with functional sun and drinkable water) and lots and lots of batteries. To finance these wondrous underworld habitats they have spent their now unimportant retirement fund, since in 2013 money will be limestone, q-tips and poptarts. All the while the ones who procrastinate will be left with a bathroom full of off-brand boxed foods with misspelled names, lentil soup and every cup, bowl and water retaining object in the entire house, including old dress shoes, full of tap water. The bathtub providing them the much needed security from the elements that are destroying thier neighbors Volvo just outside the window. Hey, if you can't trust Will Smith's survival strategy then who can you trust. The  December 20th rush on the supermarkets is the equivalent of black friday at the mall. A chance to clear everything off the shelves no matter the price, expiration date or flavor. I, on the other hand, will be looking forward to the Mad Max afterworld where I can drive a bad ass old car painted flat primer black and fight crazy mutant gangs with mohawk haircuts and nose piercings. A scrappy looking but fiercely loyal mutt by my side completes the picture. While an ending to the world as we know it could easily be interpreted to mean the moment where the entire world as a whole is enlightened and finally realizes that we can all coexist in harmony and peace, most of us would prefer it be a real life game of Resident Evil complete with zombies and mutant bunnies that look oh so cute but have this odd desire to get back at the Elmer J. Fudds of the world that have been hunting them their whole life. So whether you are currently digging an enormous canyon in your backyard, waiting until December to get psyched up or believe December 22 will be the funniest day of your life while your tapping "Let me in I'm a mutant zombie with awesome hair" in morse code on the giant metal hatch next door, may the end of life as we know it live up to your expectations and not leave you poor and trying to get a refund on an $85,000 bomb shelter. (I know because I got an estimate on one)


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